Thursday, December 14, 2006

Next Installment

Okay Guys Here it is… The thing you’ve all been waiting with bated breath for…
The thing I have waited a long time to post… The next installment of…
THE CHRONICLES OF BUTTMAN!!!

Today our hero is on an adventure in the city… we find him alone in a dark alley in the middle of the night on his way to the local comic shop, where he is going to pick up the latest issue of “The Exciting Life of Superjoseph”. Yeah we all know that Superjoseph’s life is anything but exciting. All he does is work and work and talk to his bankteller girlfriend, and then work some more… he doesn’t even go out and thwart many crimes any more. But as we all know, Buttman really respects Superjoseph and since they are best friends, Buttman gives him moral support by buying his comics, as lame as they may be. Now, Buttman happens to think that if they were to do a comic of both him and Superjoseph, they would definitely sell better, so he has made up his mind that he is going to pitch the idea to the comic book company next week. But anyway, back to the matter at hand. We find Buttman in a dark alleyway nearing his favorite comic book shop. As he walks Buttman whistles himself a little tune, something he likes to think of as his superhero theme music, but he hasn’t quite have an appropriate title for it yet. So he’s walkin along this alley when all of a sudden three cucumbers fall out nowhere and hit him on the head.
As he looked down at these cucumbers he thought to himself, ahh! I didn’t even know I was hungry until right now! So he bent down and retrieved the small green morsels from the street. He tucked two of them away in his pocket, thinking it prudent to save some for the next time he was hungry (though with his weird appetite, who knows when he would be hungry for real food again), and sought to plunge the other one straight into his mouth. Just before he got the cucumber up to his lips, the strangest thing happened. Right as the cucumber was passing into the folds of his charred and scarred mouth; a giant cucumber appeared out of nowhere right in front of him in the alley!
He stopped the shoving of the cucumber into his face, and looked aghast at this giant cucumber standing in front of him. The cucumber was very fresh looking and had a nice thick outer skin, which looked tender, yet crisp to eat. To Buttman’s surprise, the cucumber started hopping around on one end and it looked as if this cucumber might be trying to communicate (though he had never seen this from of dance communication before). He walked up to the hopping cucumber and said to it in his deepest, loudest, most impressive voice, “Who are you, Mr. Cucumber, my name is Buttman, and welcome to my city.” The cucumber stopped dancing around and bent over Buttman (since I forgot to mention that it was almost 12 ft tall), all the while trying hard to keep his dancing still it seemed. Buttman was very curious about this 12 foot tall vegetable, so he decided to try to persuade him to come home with him. He reached out his hand to touch the cucumber and try to lead him home. When his hand got close to the surface of the cucumber’s skin, the giant veggie let out a bloodcurdling scream that sent shivers all the way down Buttman’s spine…
Buttman woke up the next morning thinking it was all a dream and that he had just been to the comic shop and home and was so tired that he slept extremely hard and had probly the most intense dream ever. That was until he reached into the pocket of the coat he was wearing last nigh and found two small cucumbers…
His head hurting from where he had hit it, Buttman sat up on the floor. I just passed out, he thought. I can’t believe it!! I have never passed out in my life! But something about the memory of last night brought back by the sight of those smallish vegetables haunted him… something we may never know…

Tune in next time for another round of this exciting story. Same Butt time, same Butt channel.

BM: Tasty Treat Part Deux

BM wanted me to finish telling you all about the Taco bell Robber and he was, I must say, quite upset with me for not finishing it before. So here it is finally. I know it took awhile, but… anyway…

BM ate the tacos and burritos that the lady had given him and finally felt satisfied in his middle region. He then turned to the man and said to him “Okay now that you’ve helped me, I will help you, just tell me what you want me to do.” The man replied, “I want you to tell these people to give me all their money.” “I can not do that my good sir,” came the very calm reply, “I will not allow you to rob these good people of their money.” The man then decided that BM was not any more on his side and pointed the gun right at his face. BM looked at the barrel staring him down and reached into his pocket to see if he had anything useful in this kind of a situation. He found in the bottommost reaches of his deep pocket the butt of a cigarette that felt a little funny in his hand. It was very natural feeling, not like the normal butts he was used to eating. He pulled the butt out very slowly and gazed at it with apprehension. He wasn’t sure how this particular butt might help him right now (especially as he was saving it because he had never encountered anything like it before), but it was all he had and he didn’t want to let the bad man rob these people. Butt Man took one more look at the robber, then smirked quickly as he popped it in his mouth. He was trying to think of a way he could become bulletproof as he was waiting to digest the butt. As he was thinking this, he suddenly became aware that he was feeling a lot more solid of a person. The robber looked at him, and his jaw dropped. He then started to mumble incoherently and the women behind the counter gasped loudly. BM looked down at his feet and found that they were rooted to the floor. His eyes traveled up his legs and to his stomach area, and noticed that he was also a shade of grey he did not think was possible for a human. The man who was robbing the Taco Bell started to scream and fired his gun multiple times into BM. The women ducked behind the counter and started wailing and crying out. But the funny thing is, BM didn’t feel a thing. He was very surprised that he didn’t feel any pain. The robber turned to leave, but BM was not going to let him get away that easy. BM reached out with his hand and grabbed the man by the scruff of his collar and just held him there. A little time went by after the guy had dropped his gun and couldn’t move when the ladies from Taco Bell went to call the police. A few minutes later the cops came and hauled the robber off after taking statements from the people in the restaurant. Everybody praised Butt Man and thanked him profusely, and they even didn’t mind that he ate some of their food apparently for free. So BM found one use for those particular kinds of cigarette butts, though he didn’t quite know all there was to know about them. And who knows, after BM finally becomes mobile again, he might have the chance to find out more about them.
But that is a story for another time.

BM: Tasty Treat; His new appetite

One day while Butt Man was walking home from his daily routine, he felt this extreme feeling down in his guts. He stopped and locked down at said guts and thought, huh, I wonder what this extreme feeling is down in my guts? Well, while he was thinking this, another thing happened. He got another extreme feeling, this time, it was in his toe, but who knows why that happened. He kept walking and getting these feelings in his guts until he finally realized that he was somehow hungry. Now because of all the cigarette butts BM had eaten throughout his life, he had never gone hungry at all. This was a new experience for him. He turned right around and walked back to his doctor’s office get a consultation about these feelings, and when he got there, he asked the doctor why he would get these types of feelings after 20 years of a life less hungry. Well the doctor told him and it turns out that eating cigarette butts, even when you have a super power that allows to perfectly digest them, isn’t all that good of a meal. So even though BM had eaten a lot over the years, his system had finally decided that it needed a real meal to sustain him over the next few years. As BM left the doctor’s office, he started thinking about what he should eat. Since he hadn’t actually eaten any real food since he was five, he had no clue what he liked or what might taste good. He decided to walk through Middle Park into the Food District of the city, to see if he could find any good looking restaurants. He walked and walked, and passed all sorts of restaurants that looked okay, but they were really dull and dreary looking inside so he reasoned that they also had bad tasting food. So he kept on trucking until he finally came across one particular one that really caught his eye. He read the sign and saw that it said TACO BELL. He wondered what a taco was since he didn’t really know much about food (not having eaten it for 15 years), but he did know what a bell was and he really liked bells, so he decided that maybe the food would be good. He walked inside and perused the menu on the wall. He picked about fifteen things off the menu that sounded good to eat, but when he got to the front of the line and asked for them all, the teenage girl who was running the cash register, looked at him and chuckled, then asked him for $21.45 to pay for the food. Now BM knew what money was, but he had never had to use it because his parents took care of all that for him. He looked at the girl, and then said that he didn’t have any money. “You don’t have money and you actually came up here and ordered food knowing this? You must be a moron.” “I am not a moron, I’m just hungry,” replied BM. “Well, I’ll tell you what I can do, I can let you turn around, walk out the door, and go home to eat, or I can call my manager up to the counter to talk to you.” “Why don’t you go ahead and call your manager up here, since I’m sure when he hears my story he will see no problem with you giving me the food.” The girl went into the back and stayed there for a few minutes, then walked back to the front with another woman, who was much prettier and more BM’s age. He put on his best smile and said to the woman “hey, how you doin ma’am? I was wondering if since I’m hungry, you would see fit to let me have some food without charging me on account of I don’t have any money.” The woman threw his smile right back at him and said “Well sir, I’m sorry, but I cannot do that. Though I appreciate your plight, we all must adhere to the rules; and mine say that I can not give away food for free.” Right at this time, a man dressed all in black came in and pulled a shotgun from inside his coat. “Everyone hit the ground. You two ladies wanna give me all the cash in the register? And no funny stuff, okay?”
BM looked at the man and laughed. The man came over to BM, “you laughin at me tough guy?” “Actually yes I am. You see, you might be able to help me with a little problem.” “I’m listening,” the man said. BM leaned down and whispered something into the man’s ear that no one around could hear (we still to this day do not know what BM said to the man). The man looked at BM with a very funny look and said “OK.” Then the man turned to the ladies at the counter and told them to get BM some tacos and burritos. The lady took one look at BM, then one at the gun in the robber’s hand and readily complied...

BM: A day in Middle Park

Its time for some more Butt Man chronicles,
this one is called BM: A day in Middle Park

Butt Man was now a man of 20 and having been quite precocious as a youngster, he was very quick witted. BM lived in a small apartment in the city with his pet toy horse pebbles, and his various pictures and articles of himself lining the walls (usually depicting how great he was at cleaning up the city and also showing the many awards he received for doing so). His apartment was not very dirty, but was also not too clean, since it was just cheap apartment in the middle of the city. Every day BM would leave his apartment (which incidentally was paid for by his still absent parents) to walk through the city eating the butts of cigarettes, and cleaning everything up as best he could. Well, one day, as BM was making his way through the biggest park in the city (since it was right smack dab in the center of the city, I will call it Middle Park) where he spent most of his time, as there were lots of buts to eat here, he came upon an unusual scene. He looked ahead searching for the next tasty butt to devour, when he saw a small man running away from a woman who was screaming at him. Having just ate a particularly chewy butt, BM was able to stretch his arm out and grab the man just as he tripped and almost fell (if not for the quickness and smarts of BM). He set the man down on his feet and let him move along his way. The woman came up to BM and started screaming at him, “Why did you let him get away with my purse?” “Well how was I supposed to know that it was your purse, Ma’am? All I saw was that a man in a hurry was tripping so I helped him from stumbling.” The lady was exasperated; she could not believe what she was hearing, “How could you not know that a man with a purse was wrong? Besides I was yelling for someone to stop the thief.” BM responded with a confused look and some rather bewildered words, “I’m sorry ma’am, but I try real hard not to judge people about their lifestyles, so I thought the man was just one of those who liked fashionable accessories. And next time you want someone to stop a thief, it would help immensely if you could describe said thief.” “Oooohhhhhggghhh,” the woman lamented, and then ran off in the direction the thief went in a huff.
Butt Man went on his merry way until he came upon the most unusual thing he had ever encountered in Middle Park. A cigar…!!

But that is a tale for another day, kids.

BM: His First Taste

Years ago Butt Man was walking through the forest when he was about 3 when he came upon a curious sight. A bright orange dancing thing that was just dancing in the middle of the clearing up ahead. He moved up to this dancing orange thing and asked it (in his best little baby boy voice) what it was and why it was dancing in the middle of the forest. Butt Man stood there for a minute or two and then decided that this dancing thing was being rather rude in not answering, so he asked it again, “What are you, and why are you dancing in the middle of the forest?” After another couple of minutes, Butt Man decided that he didn’t like this dancing thing anymore so he though that he would bite it and that would serve it right.
He crept closer, knowing that the dancing thing was probably watching his every move and being very wary. When he got right next to it, he felt a warm sensation which he attributed to the anticipation of the coming confrontation. He knelt down and bent over the bright orange dancing thing, but when he put his face too close, he felt a sharp pain in his cheek and jumped back, angry. “Why did you do that? I didn’t do anything to you.” he yelled at the dancing meany-head. When it didn’t respond, he screamed that it was rude and that he hated it, then turned and ran off into the woods.
He walked for what seemed like hours or maybe even minutes, he couldn’t tell, until he decided to go back to the thing and confront it once more (for he couldn’t let the insult of him getting hurt by that creature go unanswered). He made his way back to where the dancing bright orange thing had been, but when he got there, all he saw was a bunch of logs in a circle of stones. What happened to the creature, he thought. Where did he go? He looked around and finally decided that it probably realized it’s mistake in insulting him. Satisfied that he won the confrontation in the end, Butt Man sat down beside the logs in the stone circle and comforted himself with the warmth he felt inside just thinking about his latest victory.
After sitting there for awhile, stewing in his own gloriousness, Butt Man became quite hungry and he figured out that it had been quite some time since he last ate. He took stock and found that he had nothing with which to satiate himself. So he decided to look around for forest food. Well, he didn’t have to look long because when he turned his head he saw a pretty tasty looking log right beside him. He thought that log sounded good so he rolled over to it and bent down to take a bite. When he got close he could feel a warm sensation that tickled his stomach with anticipation. He got his teeth ready and sank them into the log. MMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmm! he thought, what a lovely taste this log is, it tasted like burnt something, maybe wood, or hair, but he couldn’t place it he just knew that he loved this taste. Never mind the fact that his tongue would be forever burnt and his taste buds would never be the same. And so Butt Man got his first taste of burnt things, which he loved the taste of!!

This next installment I promise will be about Butt Mans exploits in the city, Butt Man just wanted me to tell you all about his first taste that’s all.

Buttman: The Adventures Begin

Many of you might not know about a legendary superhero named Superjoseph. Well if you don’t, you all should visit www.superjoseph.blogspot.com and read up on the guy, he’s amazing. This is a story about another superhero friend of Superjoseph's named Butt Man.

Butt Man started out as any normal kid would, running around crying mommy and pooping his diapers every chance he got, as well as playing in the sandbox as a young lad and taking toys from other peoples kids. Well one day when he was about five, Butt Man was playing in the park down the street from his house while his parents were away (they went on a trip without even inviting the poor kid, can you believe it?) when he found a small thing in the grass. This thing was shaped like nothing he had ever before encountered. It was kind of a golden color and it was short and cylindrical. So thinking that it looked interesting (not to mention rather tasty) and the fact that Butt Man hadn’t eaten all morning, he popped this new discovery into his gaping maw. When he bit down he was caught by the aromatic and effervescent flavors that erupted in his taste buds. The flavor was a lot like the time he accidentally touched his tongue to a cooling log from a fire (that is a story for another time) except this was a lot more flavorful.
He ate plenty of these things that day, for he wandered all over the park searching out the short cylindrical tasties. He spent the next few years (15 or so I think) walking through the parks in the city eating these delicious snacks.
It wasn’t until he was about 10 (10 whole years before the present day) that some poor schmuck of a man stopped him in his daily walkabout smorgasbord, and asked him why he kept walking around eating cigarette butts. This astonished him, for later on that day he went home to where his parents were out as usual and found a dictionary where he looked up the word cigarette. This perplexed him as to why these things that were so bad were being smoked and tossed aside by all sorts of people. So Butt Man started being called Butt Boy by all the kids in the park (he didn’t go to school on account of him being naturally very very smart), because all he did all day long was eat cigarette butts.
Now, ten years after he first became Butt Boy, he is now Butt Man and he has taken it on as his solemn duty to clean the streets and parks of all cigarette butts. He has also in the past couple of years, discovered another fascinating thing about himself. He could not only eat cigarette butts and enjoy the taste but they gave him special powers! Sometimes, when he ate the white colored butts, he would have the power to see through things (like walls and stuff, though he never used his powers of observation to view anything he shouldn’t, since he was a moral man). The golden ones that came from Marlboro Reds gave him terrific gas and he couldn’t contain his flatulents for a week after eating just a handful of them, but these particular butts also gave him the power to withstand great heat (he could walk through fire, or stand in the hot sun for hours without even sweating).
Since he wouldn’t want me to give away too much information about him that his enemies might be able to use against him, I will not tell any more of his powers.
Butt Man was happy with his lot in life, and he went at his passion with vigor each day. This all changed when he met another person with extraordinary powers and smashing good looks, but the story of how Butt Man met Superjoseph will have to wait for another time.

The next installment will be a story of Butt Man’s exploits in the big city.